In The Deep

My head shrinker is a mean, mean woman. She's trying to get me to actually do work to heal myself. I know, right?! Grrrrr...

I'm doing it though. I voluntarily raised my dosage because the last couple weeks have been really hard. I've been honest with Adam about the crappiness in my head.

I actually INITIATED a conversation about things that have been bothering me.

Last night I read something on the Facebook timeline of someone who is really close to me. It bothered me. Now normally I'd just let it fester, or I'd come here and rant about it anonymously. Instead I reached out to her via private message. You know what? She reached out right back! We had a really civil conversation and although I don't think either of us changed the other's mind I feel so much better now. She really listened to me and she didn't get offended or push me away. I understand where she's coming from much better now. The best part? It isn't stuck in my head anymore.

When I say that it isn't stuck in my head anymore you have to understand something - there are things stuck in my head from before first grade. STILL. Being able to talk to her and then being able to let this go is a revelation.

Adam and I continued our conversation today too. I was able to go about five minutes before actually talking face to face about serious things became too much for me. My stomach was clenched and my throat closed up. I made some joke about stopping and so we did.

None of this makes me feel immediately better, but Super Mean Head Shrinker assures me that it will in the long run. She thinks her fancy PhD and years of experience mean that she can help fix my crazy. We'll see...

Next steps are asking for help, serious conversations that last more than five minutes and phone calls with friends that don't involve breaking out into a cold sweat. It's a glamorous life, kiddos.

Hugs and health!

Graeme Seabrook