Not Done

Babies. I wants one.

Yes, I know I already have one, I mean I want another one. Adam seems amenable to the idea in a general way. Is that because he knows it will mean more sex for him? Probably. He also just doesn't get as totally terrified about things as I do. People who are mentally stable tend to be, well, mentally stable. Go figure.

Here's my thinking: so far we have not totally screwed up this kid. We seem to be able to do this. I hated being an only child. Adam loved having a little brother. We both want Buddy to have a sibling. Yes, it's expensive and I could totally lose my mind again. But... we're not done. That's just it. I know we aren't done yet. I've known it for a while now.

So now what?

Well, this is where it gets complicated. This is also where I start over thinking, over planning and completely freaking out.

My OB/GYN wants me to lose 10-15lbs before we start actively trying. I had some serious blood pressure issues last time that we want to try to avoid as naturally as possible. She also wanted me to know that I would probably need a C-Section again* and that I may not be able to carry the full 40, but that will all be a wait and see kind of thing.

My therapist wants me to prepare myself and my family as much as possible for the worst case scenario - stronger PPD and Anxiety. I didn't show any signs of Psychosis or Intrusive thoughts last time, but we need a plan for that eventuality.

I've been making lists in my head. I make them in my head because if I make them on paper then they'll become plans. If they become plans then we'll end up with a baby. We can't have a baby! We barely survived the first one and there's no way that we are not totally screwing this kid up every day.

Master List of Lists:

  •        Lose weight and get healthy for conception

  •        Gain healthy weight during pregnancy

  •        Things needed for new baby

  •         Save for things for new baby

  •         Birth Plan

  •         AFTER Birth Plan (longest list)

  •         Reasons I want to try and breastfeed

  •         Reasons I should not try and breastfeed

  •         Learn to be selfish for baby and for me 

  •         Things to blog about

  •         Doula - what we want/need from one

  •         Ways to prepare Snot Monster for a sibling

  •         Ways to automate my business

These are the headings for all of the lists I have running. Plus the Thanksgiving lists and the Christmas lists and the lists that I keep for my business, the house and the myriad lists I use to keep the Snot Monster alive. The lists help me to organize my thoughts and to have some sense of control. 

The last two months have been tough. I've been sick, a LOT. Migraines, food poisoning, stomach flu, and a virus that tried to rip out my throat have knocked me down hard and put a lot of pressure on us as a family. Each time I thought about how much harder all of this would be if we had a toddler and a baby. So much harder. Infinitely harder. 

BUT

In my heart's eye there is a glider that sits next to our bed. In the glider is a me and a baby. Sometimes she is a girl and sometimes he is a boy. We are curled up in the chair and the baby is brand new. With my heart's eye I can see Adam come into the room and settle a blanket around us. Just that - the feel of the chair, the smell of brand new baby and the warmth from the blanket. We aren't done. 

* A post about my C-Section will be coming later. It was necessary and I actually want another one. Please don't leave comments about how I can avoid one. It triggers a lot of guilt for me.


Graeme Seabrook