I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm exhausted from being sick. I'm pissed off about being tired. So many good things are happening and I can't hold on to them or really feel them because I'm consumed with this fucking disease that is trying to rob me of all the colors and make me live in the gloaming.
The one thing that I can feel fully is anger, so there's that. For a couple months now I've noticed a trend that has bewildered me, hurt me and seriously pissed me off. Can everyone just stop judging other people's feelings? I do not need you to put my life into perspective for me or to assume anything.
The fact that other people may be struggling with more than I am in no way mitigates the negative feelings that I am dealing with or expressing. BECAUSE LIFE IS NOT A COMPETITION. The fact that other women struggle to have children does not mean that I can't complain about my son screaming in pain from teething. The fact that other women don't have supportive families or the chance to go on vacation does not mean that I can't complain about having a migraine while he's screaming in pain on our vacation.
No mother should have to start a rant with some version of, "don't get me wrong, I love my baby". I know that you love your baby. WE ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL CRAPPY. This shit is hard. Taken seriously, raising a baby into a contributing member of society is damn near impossible - but we do it every single day. We are allowed to complain.
I have never understood the logic of someone else's suffering making me keep my mouth shut. Should other people's joy then make me shut up about the good times? Who gets to decide this?
This monster that I battle every day has taught me some things. One of them is this: you have to respect pain in all its forms. I don't judge other people's pain - well, I try my best not to. I try to understand it if I can and to at the very least respect the fact that I can never know what it feels like to be them.
I don't know much. Every day I seem to know more and less.
Here are some things I do know:
If you are starting your statement with, "I don't want to sound like... but...", then you really just need to stop. If you don't want to sound like something then don't. The end.
If you would like to bring more positivity into someone's life try using supportive sentences and language and not passive aggressive judgement.
We are not all on a sliding scale of pain and happiness. Everyone is fighting their own battle and they are all valid.
I can love my son with all of my heart and be grateful for him with every cell in my body while at the same time my soul cries out in pain at the wounds inflicted on it by the bloody battle being waged in my mind.
As a very wise woman (and my own personal gratitude guru) says: You have to feel all the feelings.