Worrying About Worry

I went to the gym yesterday. On purpose. I really wish you all could hear the MASSIVE sigh that I sighed after writing those two sentences.

So I met with a 12 year old named Nate who took me through an assessment and has promised to kick my ass and have me feeling stronger with better balance and more stamina in a month. He just graduated from college and landed his dream job as a trainer where he can design torture plans so he's all shiny and optimistic while he hands me scary stat after scary stat.

Look, I know that a big, BIG component of my feeling better mentally is feeling better physically. When I feel strong, I feel strong. When I feel healthy, I feel healthy. I also know that the Depression and Anxiety that I've been battling has physical components and side effects.

Like this - my resting heart rate is high. Like he took it three times high. He asked me to take it myself in the mornings before I get out of bed so that we can get a 'true baseline' because it's that high.  After walking on the treadmill for a while and talking about things and then resting for a minute it actually came down BELOW where I had started. Probably because I was distracted and unable to worry.  So my brain is actually killing me. The worry, the anxiety, the stress is actually stressing out my heart. Well, that's good to know and will totally calm me down. Add in the high blood pressure and the high body fat percentage and folks we have one unhealthy Mama!

Turns out that Ben and Jerry don't love my body as much as my body loves them. Maybe I should actually USE the subscription to the guided meditation site instead of putting it off every day. Maybe I should USE the gym membership instead of planning and then feeling guilty because I didn't go.

Sitting at my computer, worrying about all of the numbers and their meanings, will not help me. I want to get better, I want to stay better, I want another child, I want to live for all of the years and to do all of the things.

So I'm going to let Nate kick my ass and I'm breaking up with Ben and Jerry. I'm signing off now so that I can try the meditation while Buddy naps.  I'm going to take care of myself so that I can keep fighting. Because this sucks. So it must be fixed.

Graeme Seabrook