Starting Over

I am, constantly, starting over. New Year's Day and all the resolutions that tend to come with it never really phase me simply because I am resolving, struggling, losing, falling, and resolving all the time. There is always a new idea. There is always a way to feel better, to stay on top of the housework, to stay motivated, to lose weight. There is always something.

I need some nothing.

I've been feeling overwhelmed for months now and not really been able to put my finger on exactly why. I thought it was because I'm off of the Zoloft. I thought it was because I'm only meeting with my therapist twice a month. I thought it was because I'm still sick.

Guess what?

My life is overwhelming.

I am not sick, or broken or wrong. I am chipped and damaged. I am vulnerable and fragile. I have fears and anxieties. I forgot for a while that I was like that before the PPD/A maelstrom. I forgot for a while that EVERYONE is like that to some degree.

Things are getting more and more clear lately. I'm finally starting to listen to myself and tune out a lot of the outside world. What I'm hearing is that I need less. I need less mess. I need fewer demands on my time and mental energy. I need less noise. I need less weight on my body and less guilt on my soul. I have a gut feeling that will lead me to more.

I want to spend less time on my job so that I can spend more time advocating for families dealing with Maternal Mental Illnesses.
I want to spend less time dealing with extended family drama so that I can spend more time having fun with my nuclear family.
I want to clear out the things we do not need so that we are surrounded only by things we really love and things that make us happy.
I want to turn off the TV, the computer, the tablet and spend more time rolling around on the floor with my son.
I want to lose the weight so that I can get pregnant and have a healthy, happy pregnancy and birth.
I want to stop worrying about everything I'm not good at and focus on what makes me strong.

Please don't let this fool you into thinking I have any idea at all of how to get there. All I know right now is that I want to be a person who works towards these things every day.

What so you want? Do you know how you want to get it? How do we get from here to there?

Graeme Seabrook