I am, constantly, starting over. New Year's Day and all the resolutions that tend to come with it never really phase me simply because I am resolving, struggling, losing, falling, and resolving all the time. There is always a new idea. There is always a way to feel better, to stay on top of the housework, to stay motivated, to lose weight. There is always something.
I need some nothing.
I've been feeling overwhelmed for months now and not really been able to put my finger on exactly why. I thought it was because I'm off of the Zoloft. I thought it was because I'm only meeting with my therapist twice a month. I thought it was because I'm still sick.
My life is overwhelming.
I am not sick, or broken or wrong. I am chipped and damaged. I am vulnerable and fragile. I have fears and anxieties. I forgot for a while that I was like that before the PPD/A maelstrom. I forgot for a while that EVERYONE is like that to some degree.
Things are getting more and more clear lately. I'm finally starting to listen to myself and tune out a lot of the outside world. What I'm hearing is that I need less. I need less mess. I need fewer demands on my time and mental energy. I need less noise. I need less weight on my body and less guilt on my soul. I have a gut feeling that will lead me to more.
I want to spend less time on my job so that I can spend more time advocating for families dealing with Maternal Mental Illnesses.
I want to spend less time dealing with extended family drama so that I can spend more time having fun with my nuclear family.
I want to clear out the things we do not need so that we are surrounded only by things we really love and things that make us happy.
I want to turn off the TV, the computer, the tablet and spend more time rolling around on the floor with my son.
I want to lose the weight so that I can get pregnant and have a healthy, happy pregnancy and birth.
I want to stop worrying about everything I'm not good at and focus on what makes me strong.
Please don't let this fool you into thinking I have any idea at all of how to get there. All I know right now is that I want to be a person who works towards these things every day.
What so you want? Do you know how you want to get it? How do we get from here to there?